I am appalled! My experience is affirming why my job as a Sex and Intimacy Coach and Educator is soooooo needed!
I went to Halloween party last night. Upon my arrival most everyone was drunk. This was an interesting experiment, seeing how I don’t drink and I don’t normally venture outside of my conscious Burning Man and Spiritual community gatherings.
What I experienced helped me understand what likely goes on in most of our culture.
A man who I had never met was lying on the floor and he began to touch my leg as I stood beside him grazing at the food table. He started touching my leg, and very quickly began making his way all the way up my skirt and touching my ass. I pushed his hand away and said “No”. Later when he was trying to talk to me, I explained (although explaining anything to a drunk man is a bit of a lost cause) to him that it did not work for me that he touched me without asking. He jokingly laughed and ignored my comment.
Later in the evening I shared with a group of 3 men that I am a sex and intimacy coach and educator. One of the men said, “I want you to take your clothes off and spread your legs so I can lick your clitoris because that’s how I think you should teach me.” I was shocked on several different levels. I just met this man, and he just met me so we don’t have a pre-existing relationship. What was also shocking is that the other men did not say anything. Their silence to me communicated that this behavior was acceptable.
When I shared this with the host his response shocked me. He stated things like, “boys will be boys” “you were dressed provocative” and “they are really good people” and “booze was involved”
If these men were sober, I predict that they would have intervened and called him out on him being dishonoring.
I am seeing one of my purposes as a sex educator is to teach men that if they would like to touch a women sexually one of the most important thing to do is create a feeling of safety. The easiest way to do this is ask permission to touch. It is also my job to teach women that if men touch without asking and it does not feel good, to say something.
In order for this global transformation to occur, we need both men and women teaching each other! We caused and created this confusion and pain together, and we can solve this together!