I have so much to learn as a human. This is one of my most vulnerable shares.
I feel humbled. The irony of exposing what I am about to expose is I don’t want anyone to see this about me, but the funny thing about breakthroughs is “we” are the last ones to see it because everyone else has already been seeing this in us.
It has been pointed out to me recently more and more that people are scared of me and intimidated by me. People are frightened of “disappointing me” or “letting me down.” I now understand how this has become a pattern.
My core wound is “I am bad”. When I am being in service or in contribution to others then I am proving to myself “Look how good I am”.
I saw the tricky hidden strategy this morning as I continued the process of the Life Lyft this morning with Colby Collins.
When people in my life say that are going to do something, and then they don’t do that something, I have a demanding energy that they own what they did and hear the impact it has on me. I do this in a very dominating energy and is actually fueled by anger. I am actually furious, and I am furious because I am essentially telling people “you are bad”. Which creates an opportunity for me to “be in service” to teach them something. “Look how good I am being”. I see now that I have used my brilliance with communication as a way to lecture people and make people wrong and bad, the whole time thinking I was being a contribution.
I know that many people over my lifetime have felt hurt and sad because of my actions. I cannot go back and change anything in the past, and I feel sadness in my heart knowing that I had that impact on people, and especially the people I love the most.
As I cried a massive cry this morning, and touched a very deep and scary place within me, when I kept going I touched my innocence, my softness, my forgiveness, my compassion and saw a new and exciting way for to Queen Be to show up.
I commit and choose to show up compassionately, softly and gently as I have given back my anger to where it came from. And I also choose relentless compassion for myself and those around me if my friend anger shows up again.
If you have felt hurt by anything I have ever said, or treated you in a way that did not feel honoring and you would like to be heard, I am an open vessel and here to hear you. Please share openly with me. Privately or publicly.